My Little Hairy Butt'
by CALLEN37
Summary: Tony take offence to Ziva's comments about his 'butt' rating a 2. Although this is a slash there is no sex although this is rated an M for the eye-watering content and certain words.


A/N I was talking to my friend Haraseam who was on Facebook this morning and showed me a review that had been posted by someone on Amazon for Men's Hair removal creme. After going on the site...reading the reviews and trying very hard to breath whilst projectile spitting coke at the computer screen and trying really hard not to die at some of the reviews. I turned to my friend and speculated what if this had happened to Tony after Ziva rated his butt for excessive hair...an thus a story was born.

So please feel free to read my slashy one shot. There is NO SEX in this but it is rated an M nonetheless and MALE READERS MAY NEED TISSUES! ;P

Disclaimer I own nothing, not NCIS not Amazon and Not the hair removal creme (Thank God!)

* * *

My little hairy butt!

Tony walked into the house and slumped on the sofa.

"What's wrong Hun?" Gibbs asked walking over and giving him a kiss.

"Nothing." Tony pouted and turned away from him.

Gibbs raised an eyebrow and looked over at his lover. They had been married for a year and although only Ducky, Abby and Fornell knew, they had managed to keep their relationship a secret from the others at work and Vance.

After a year, Gibbs knew his husband well enough to know when he was hiding something.

"Tony?" he pressed. Tony stood up and walked from the couch to stare at the fire.

"Ziva!" He said, "She rated my butt a 2 out of 5 …That's lower than McGee's. She said I had excessive hair." The pout got bigger and Gibbs had trouble disguising his grin.

He walked up behind Tony and hugged him, "My poor baby." He sniggered.

"Do….do you agree with her?" Tony asked.

"Of course not Hun," Gibbs kissed him on the temple and walked into the kitchen. "But it is a bit hairy." He said as a parting shot laughing to himself.

Tony grabbed his bag and stormed upstairs. "That's what I thought… You agree with her!" He snarked.

* * *

He dropped his bag on their bed and sat down. Opening the small bag, he had picked up from the pharmacist he pulled out a box. He looked down and read the box, "Hair Removal crème for men!" it said.

"This'll show him!" He said under his breath. Then he called downstairs, "I'm having a shower Jet, call me when dinners ready."

"Ok love!" Gibbs called back upstairs.

Hearing his husband working in the kitchen Tony sat down and got on with his task,

He opened his laptop and checked the reviews for the hair removal crème online.

He smiled to himself, "Ooh, 5 stars….this product looks good!"

He decided the rating itself would be enough and did not read the reviews. He had used other hair removal crèmes before on his chest and legs 'how bad can it be?' he thought to himself.

He started gently applying the crème thoroughly coating his cock and balls and putting a generous amount on his ass.

Looking at his endeavors he felt quiet pleased with himself knowing that Jet would love the surprise when he finally got him in bed that night.

He started the shower up and decided as he had five minutes according to the packaging he should shave first as he really couldn't sit down.

Halfway through shaving his face the pain started.

First, it was a warm, tingling sensation in his groin, which rapidly escalated to a sharp pain akin to standing next to a volcano and watching his skin melt off.

* * *

Gibbs downstairs was working on the pasta when he heard a chilling scream.

He grabbed his gun and ran upstairs as fast as he could. However, nothing could prepare him for the site that greeted him.

"What the Hell!" he yelled crashing in the bathroom to find his husband on his back on the bathroom floor in a fetal position crying and screaming like a baby with the showerhead at full blast aimed at his butt and genitals.

"Jet…..Help me!" He whimpered.

"What. Did. You. Do.!" Gibbs asked looking at him.

"HAIR REMOVAL CRÈME!" He cried.

Gibbs leaned against the wall tears of laughter falling steadily down his face although he was concerned he picked his phone up.

"Who are you calling?" Tony cried desperately trying to catch his breath.

"Paramedics" Gibbs said dialing 911.

"NO!" Tony screamed at a higher pitch than Gibbs had ever thought possible.

"But, baby….you need help." Gibbs pleaded.

"D….Ducky…" Tony croaked, reaching up and turning the dial on the shower to freezing.

Flipping the cell phone open again he dialed Ducky's' number and quickly filled him in on the situation.

"He's coming…..Tony, why?" Gibbs had to ask.

"Ziva said I had a hairy butt and you agreed!" Gibbs climbed behind Tony and held him as Tony sobbed with the excruciating pain that was throbbing from his genitals.

* * *

"GIBBS? TONY?" A voice called upstairs.

"I believe that they are in the bathroom." Another voice replied.

"Tone….baby…Ducky's here." Gibbs said gently as Tony was barely coherent and whimpering.

"This isn't working!" Tony screamed he jumped up and half waddled and half ran naked down the stairs heading for the freezer and the prize of the ice cubes held within.

He looked up as both Ducky and Fornell came into the house.

"Oh my goodness!" Ducky exclaimed at the sight in front of him as Tony ran past, arms and legs at an odd angle naked with Gibbs half running and half laughing behind him carrying a towel.

"What happened?" Fornell smirked looking at his two best friends.

Gibbs filled him in and although every man in the room was secretly pulling their testicles into their bodies in sympathy, they were all silently shaking in laughter.

Ducky wiped the smile off his face "I'm sorry Anthony, but you are going to have to go to the hospital. You need to be seen in the burns unit."

"Nooooooooo Please!" Tony wailed.

"Don't worry DiNutso; your secret is safe with us." Fornell smirked.

"Who….called….you?" Tony ground out through his teeth

"Dispatch. A dropped 911 call was made from here." Fornell explained.

"Ducky….stop the pain!" Tony pleaded his eyes rolling back into his head.

Fornell lent against the wall, holding a piece of paper in his hands… "You do realize it says here not to be used on any sensitive areas?" He said grinned like a lunatic.

"But the reviews gave it 5 stars!" Tony half screamed while Ducky applied some anti burn ointment.

Fornell walked over and opened the computer and looked at the reviews and doubled over in laughter…"OH MY GOD!" he exclaimed tears rolling down his face. "This has happened to hundreds of men!" he laughed as he read some of the descriptions men had left as to the sorry state the hair removal crème had left their burned, bloodied and napalmed manhood in.

Even Gibbs sniggered as he read some of these. "Oh Baby, what were you thinking?"

"Jet!" Tony wailed. "I just wanted to be a five!"


End file.
